As I’ve been journeying on through this faith shift I continually ask myself, “So what’s next?” and too often I answer myself with a huge sigh. I continue to wrestle with the question about music but it’s getting easier. I’m feeling a fresh wave of certainty about my music dilemma. I think I’ve just about decided that if this is my journey, and I don’t answer to anyone else but Jesus, my musical choices are my own. Who cares if the words are sketchy and filled with imagery that I don’t truly embrace, I love the way it makes me feel and the way it sounds. I realize that not every person I know will agree with my musical taste but I suddenly find myself realizing that I don’t care. Everyone has the ability to choose for themselves and so until it bothers me, I’m good.
As for other ideology I’m still examining those beliefs. We had a guest speaker with us this weekend at a mini church retreat by the name of Kathy Escobar. She brought with her a wealth of ideas about love, equality in God’s kingdom, shifting faith and more. I really enjoyed her time with us as a church. Her views were refreshing and messy. She was honest about her journey and the crazy path it had taken. She felt like a kindred spirit. I also experienced something else when she was with us. I felt the undeniable presence of Jesus like I hadn’t felt in quite a while. Cori and I have been wrestling with the idea of moving for quite a long time. What that move will look like has evolved and changed as time goes on. In the beginning we were focusing all our energy on moving to Europe, specifically Germany. I think the downfall of that dream was multifaceted. First getting into Germany is difficult and jobs there are hard to come by. But I think it was also partly due to the fact that our idea about what we’d be doing in Germany wasn’t the same. Cori had pretty specific ideas about evangelism in Germany which I couldn’t get very excited about. Truthfully, I just wanted to go for the experience and the opportunity to travel in Europe. But I couldn’t voice that because I didn’t want to let her down. She’s always wanted to go into the mission field and this was her big chance. I have never really had that same burning desire. As a same gender couple we were unable to align ourselves with other groups already in the mission field of Europe. We knocked on several doors only to be told time and again that they simply couldn’t allow same gender couples to serve God under their banner.
Once the Germany idea had been abandoned, we regrouped and Cori expressed a desire to live in Intentional Community with other like-minded folks. I explored this option in England over the summer while on vacation there. We’re still looking at this option but are still figuring out what this will look like and where it will be located. As we continue down this road I am reminded that our journeys are different and so are our wants and desires. But having Kathy here over the weekend opened a door to Jesus that I had assumed was closed for repairs. I started to feel Jesus opening my heart to this idea more fully. I started to get excited about this and am exploring the possibilities online. I’ve realized that Jesus is in the details and hasn’t given up on me yet. So I won’t give up on Jesus.